KAI

Age: 40 | UK

“Hello, my name is Kai. I finally got off SSRIs two years ago after being on them for about 15 years, so why am I still suffering as though I'm still on them? That's the question isn't it? I can only imagine it's because the SSRIs have done some damage, some change that I was not made aware of. Despite my protests over the years about symptoms, I was simply changed from one SSRI to another until eventually I got the idea I wasn't going to get any real help. This was made all the more clear when I was repeatedly offered Viagra from doctors instead of actually addressing the issue… The SSRIs.

It all started out when I was living and working in the USA as a firearms officer and first responder for the casino industry. Everything I saw on the job and expat life, I eventually developed what took the doctors two years of back and forth visits to diagnose (GAD) general anxiety disorder. By this point I was at my wits end with anxiety, so eventually when it was diagnosed I was told that I could take anxiety tablets which would solve it, well of course I would say yes because I wanted my quality of life back.

I didn't know what I know now, I didn't know there was therapy and other methods that could have helped instead of tablets. I was completely under the doctors guidance, I trusted them to do right by me. I was first put on Lexapro, which felt awful and the first time I took it I felt like someone was pouring concrete in through my ears and letting it set. I felt like a robot, like something had turned off my emotions. I thought it would settle down but it didn't, and my anxiety wasn't helped so they increased my dosage at first. Then they gave me Xanax for emergencies which I took one and slept right through my two days off of work.

Eventually there was a traumatic call at work, so I had to take a Xanax and it ended up making me fall asleep on the job. I went back to the doctor and told them I needed to be awake, and the Lexapro wasn't doing anything but disconnecting me from myself. It was also giving me what I thought were performance issues at that time. You can write one or two times off as a simply bad day or being tired etc… However I was in my 20s and never had this issue before, so it was the SSRI but I didn't know it then.

The doctors then switched me to Zoloft, I got all the way up to the maximum dosage of 200mg before my anxiety was managed. Of course, I wonder now what it was doing to me because the performance issues went from one or two times to losing erections altogether without explanation to struggling with getting erections no matter how much stimulation from either myself or my partner at the time. Also developed reduced sensitivity to touch, and sometimes if I could keep the erection for long enough to orgasm, it would be unsatisfying and not much of it at all. This caused my relationship to suffer and so we eventually broke up.

Its been the same story whenever I’ve gotten into a relationship since. We date for awhile, get intimate, struggle with the PSSD issues, get broken up with. Now this continued through my 30s, and after ten years in the USA, for my own mental health I decided I needed a change and returned to England. It took time, but the environment change did actually help my anxiety. I also retrained as an integrative counsellor because I wanted to help others with anxiety, whereas I didn't get help so I knew there was a gap in the current help available and that didn't change by moving back.

I have been in several relationships since returning to England, and due to these issues with intimacy I got broken up with again. Now, I actively avoid relationships because its easier than dealing with the heartbreak and being treated poorly due to PSSD. I know it's not my fault, it's something that has happened to me and I don't have enough information to help myself or get help with it. I only discovered that I had PSSD a few days ago and a lightbulb went on for me. I don't want to be alone, but I feel like this issue from SSRI usage has limited my options. It has robbed me of my sexuality, my love life, a healthy sex life, children and a family. Who knows what physical damage this has done to my brain and/or my body. To be told by doctors to just take Viagra or be ignored it's heartbreaking, the whole thing. I now have to think twice when I get a headache and need to take a painkiller for it because I'm worried what it might do to me. It's certainly made me more health anxious but I think this is understandable given the circumstances.

After discovering PSSD I just feel numb as I think I'm in shock as to how people who take the ‘do no harm’ oath can cause so much harm on such a massive scale and then be unwilling to listen. I'm just so upset by it all. Which is one thing that has returned since coming of SSRIs, I can cry again while sad or watching a particularly sad movie that tugs at heartstrings. I couldn't do that when I was on SSRIs but that's the only thing that has returned. The saving grace here is retraining as a therapist. I now have more tools to manage my anxiety as such can manage coming off the SSRIs without relying on them. Everyday is a struggle and I think it would be easier to go back on them for quality of life. However, now I know that they gave me freedom from my anxiety for a time, but at what cost? I'm heartbroken in every way. Glad I found the PSSD Network and hoping for a miracle.”